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Boasting the power of ‘boosters’

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This time, we are attending an engagement ceremony somewhere in Lilongwe. It is interesting how someone, old enough to be a grandfather to some of us, has sparked a debate based on ‘enhancement of bedroom satisfaction’.

“You, young men of these days, don’t know the link between creation and satisfaction. I wish you consulted us, mikoko yogona (old guards), when you are failing in your marital obligations!” says the old guard.

But one of his great-grandsons, obviously believing he is too civilised to participate in the conversation, tries to tell off the old man. “Amdala, zinazi muziona saizi (you should bear in mind our age gaps when sparkling some of these debates). You are too old to ignite such a debate.”

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However, the old man is unmoved. “Arthur; that is why your wife left you for another man. If you had taken time to consult me, you would have been a man in bed.”

I get the feeling the old guard, despite facing some resistance from the young generation, has a sense of humour which is liked by many.

He clears his throat, then says: “You should not underrate the power of natural boosters. It is sad most of you don’t know what chibere chang’ombe can do to bring happiness in marital bedrooms!”

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“Amdala, maybe even in extra-marital bedrooms or bushes as well,” retorts one young man of 21 years or thereabouts. We all laugh.

“Exactly young man. The Chibere chang’ombe is an aphrodisiac which has not disappointed me; it is a real ‘man power booster’ that makes a man the envy of all women in the community,” the old man boasts.

Inu agogo, kuli gondolosi ku Mulanje; ndiye zanuzo n’chaninso (grand-pa, there is Gondolosi in Mulanje, so why boast too much about your aphrodisiac?),” says another young man sitting close to me. His innocent face qualifies him for a student.

But he says: “What makes Chibere chang’ombe a better booster is because it mostly comes from the hot district of Salima as opposed to the Mulanje gondolosi, which is subjected to cold weather. Anything concocted in warm environment is hot-hot— believe it or not!”

We are so much into the discussion without knowing that a group of women is just sitting next to us.

“He he de!” they laugh.

Amdala, why is it that you, men, are too much into the habit of using sexual boosters? Don’t you think you can satisfy a woman by natural powers?” says one of the women.

The old man lectures her on how both men and women reach the ceiling (maximum) of their sexual prowess. This, he says, is where aphrodisiacs become necessary if relationships are to be saved.

He says: “Mayi (madam), know that if your husband, or even yourself, doesn’t find a way of ‘boosting the powers’, someone younger can snatch your loved one. Haven’t you heard that your fellow women hunt for ‘tseketseke’?”

“And what is that?” The women ask in unison.

“Well, ask your husbands about the number of times they get across women and old men selling this type of stuff at drinking places at Kamba in Blantyre, Old Town in Mzuzu and Bwandilo in Lilongwe. Don’t ask me how I know, but I am old by age and gray hair but very young in ‘hot blood’, hence I like hanging out in these places,” jokes the old man, attracting more laughter.

He tells us all of how women who use ‘tseketseke’ have managed to make men come home straight from the office to get glued to their bedrooms. He claims tseketseke’s cousin in herbs is Mwamuna asayende (let the man stay put at home), another concoction, he boasts, he can readily provide.

A young man who has not taken part in the debate remarks: “I agree more with the old man, many pretend not to like these things but just see the magnitude of adverts in papers and radios; you will see plenty on ‘boosters’.”

He adds: “This time around, you also see plenty of adverts of Chinese and Indian ‘boosters’, ‘enlargers of breasts and other private things’, tighteners and more. All these products are there to foster peace in people’s bedrooms.”

I also see sense. This scribe friend of mine in Mulanje many of a time has preached the same Gospel of ‘herbal boosters’, unfortunately many think it is very primitive. But I share with the group how Malawi can earn forex by maximising the export market for aphrodisiacs.

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