One of our own has played with fire; he is in problems akin to stoning a police station using a ball of hashish [chamba].
As we are busy doing the usual— meaning, sampling different tastes of the intoxicating stuff, swallowed alongside [literally talking] snacks of different tastes and maotchedwe— our friend’s vehicle comes around. Disembarking from it is him, but we are surprised that our ‘mlamu’, his own wife, is trotting behind.
A close look at them shows that it is not a pleasant escort. It also shows panic and anger are playing centre stage on different fronts of the duo.
“Gentlemen, just imagine that your friend decided to ‘do what most of you men do’ right in our family car here. Unfortunately, luck was not on his side and, in his intoxicated state, he sends me early in the morning to check for a missing wallet he thinks he dropped in the car last night,” she starts her narration, drops of tears trickling down her cheeks.
“And, instead of finding the wallet, I find this!” she gets something out of her handbag— it is in a plastic pack, and she opens it, and, right in front of us, drops it.
No one is to brave enough to speak, not even ‘Atsogoleri’ Rob M. His jokes have always pacified tense situations.
“Is it what you men do; is it what the Crew is all about? Really, do you think it is fair to have extra-marital sex and, obviously, with those roadside-showcasing women, in a family car? Where is the respect for us, women? Should I be brave enough to continue calling that useless guy you call Joe as my husband? Never! Let him have his condom and go back to the woman he used that thing on,” shouts our Mlamu, foaming all over the mouth.
But stranger things have, indeed, happened on earth.
As she continues speaking, rather, barking, Joe moves closer to Happison; actually, we are surprised that he looks angrier than the wife.
He grabs Happison’s throat, while punching him left, right and centre. He even bashed his head on our friend’s tummy side.
“You are stupid; we are no longer friends, Happison. I cannot risk my marriage of 10 years because of your stupidity! How come you borrow my car on the pretext that yours had a problem last night, yet you use it for doing dirty things? Didn’t you have money to pay for cheap rooms that you risked putting my happy marriage to test? Stupid, pumbwa, mbwambwambwa!
To us he says: “Come gentlemen, let me show you where my wife found the used condom in the car!”
We all rush there, and he opens the back door.
“She found it right here, under the back seat!” We all eye one another; no words come from any of us, including Joe himself.
And, worse things are on our way of visualising, as, while Joe tries to open the car door wider, ladies’ underwear falls from the side pocket of the car.
“And, now, what is this, Happison? Look, my wife didn’t find them and they fall down right now? Ndiwe kape wamva Happison? Ndiwe galu, ndikupha ine lero!”
With that, he rushes to the driver’s side of the car and gets an Okapi knife. “I will skin you alive today, I will kill you, and you can’t shame me like that!”
And the unimaginable happens. The wife positions herself between the two and tightly holds the fuming husband.
“Let’s go home darling, I can’t risk you getting arrested for harming a stupid friend, let us go, I love you! I have always told you to choose good friends, not some of those rascals that are only good at indulging in shameful acts!”
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