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Our new bartender

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This time around, we have filled a vacancy for the Crew’s official bartender – some are calling him barman.

Despite having a hoarse voice, he is articulate in serving customers. He, indeed, knows the tricks of his trade, although he is, at times, argumentative.

His name is ‘Jemu’.

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By virtue of a vote and our unanimous agreement, he has also become an ex-official member of the Crew.

Of course, this ‘Jemu’ is not our James, the crazy headed scribe with an otherwise high IQ, no. That is to say, not the Jemu of Machinjiri, who is always controversial on Facebook. No. This new ‘bar-tender, Jemu, is something else, loaned from a club called Kyalami, that is tucked inside the bowels of a township called Chilobwe, facing Soche Hill, at a place called Centa, or Senta – whatever!

And our new Jemu comes with a bang! He advises women [imbibers within the premises], that from now on, there is a serious regulation he has come up with, and, according to his raw words: “By the powers vested in me by the Crew. “Every lady must carry condoms during drinking errands. Don’t’ have trust in any man, slim, plump, fat or whatever. Ngoyipa amunawa, amagawa zosagawa; magawagawa!” he says.

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As he is saying this, Jemu is wearing a serious face, more serious than a judge presiding over a murder case.

“Ndikuti akupatsani matenda ndipo azakupatsani ndithu mukapanda kudziteteza. Chonde, kondani moyo wanu, si Edzi yokha ayi, m’mudzimu mwadzanso dzizonono ndi zina [please protect yourself, don’t risk your life by having unprotected sex, which will only make you fetch the HIV virus and, indeed, other diseases],” he stresses.

But, Joe being Joe, he tries to argue: “I beg to differ, it is not true that all such diseases come from men; that the masculine folk are the biggest vectors and carriers, no; even women are dangerous, don’t provoke men just for the sake of it,” he says, gulping his intoxicating stuff in double swallows, at supersonic speed.

There is laughter all over, among the Crew members and those in attendance.

And the laughter comes out even louder when one of the ladies available says: “Kungoti inuyo, amunanu, amatuluka nsanga matendawo, ndipo mumathamangira ku chipatala; n’chifukwa chake mumatipweteka ife.”

The excitement over the debates reaches a crescendo, everyone seems attacked with the fever of excitement.

Then our Jemu comes in: “Next week I will bring a doctor here to examine each and every one of us. Ndibweretsa a Yudeya muwona, aliyense wam’muna kapena wamkazi adzayesedwa, mtheradi!”

Then this tall, dark in complexion friend of ours ignites another controversy. At the top of his voice, he says: “Zoona inu, m’Malawi mnzako ungamukayikire? [It is very discriminatory to suspect that a fellow Malawian has a sexually transmitted infection]”

And he gets the wrath of us all, as he is accused of being a wizard, bent on making many people walk to their early graves.

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