Right to buffoonery


Not even once have I ever bet my quid on one Kondwani Nankhumwa as being the brightest bulb in the box. That is why, on numerous occasions and forums, I have opined that soon, the guy’s back will break under the enormous pressure of being the government’s mouthpiece: It hasn’t taken him long.

Two weeks ago, the Spin Doctor No. 1 was out trying the public terrain and attitude with his presidential-jet-buying gimmick. From the word go, I did not take him seriously because I knew that to any person who can be certified sane by a competent psychiatrist, buying a presidential jet — much as we seriously need to — would be economic suicide. The reasons do not need a master weaver of words to explain.

Last time we paid a visit to a jet shop, we made a glaringly silly mistake by using donor money which got donors fuming and furious at us to the extent of folding their purse. I do not think that now, when the government has a lot of self-cleaning to do to convince donors to relax their grip of their purse, it would be prudent to start talking about purchasing a jet. This is why I knew earlier that Kho, the minister, was playing prank with our minds.


It was on Saturday, during the memorial of the fallen DPP paragon and the country’s former head of state, Bingu wa Mutharika, that Kondwani Nankhumwa generously decided to confirm my earlier prediction that the heavy load of speaking for the government is too much for his soft back.

Perhaps it is because of intemperance of youth or that there is a strange affliction that strikes politicians once they stand before the mic, but what came out of Nankhumwa’s mouth on Saturday was, to be raw, a statement that you can only expect from some cadet or someone who was so high on something illegal.

In fact, I was deeply shocked with a seemingly drunk section of people who looked tantalised and convinced and ululated at Nankhumwa’s dangerous statement. In case you missed out, Nankhumwa went to the plinth and, without stuttering, told the world that the late Bingu wa Mutharika was fast-forwarded on his heavenly chariot by some schemers operating under what he called the JB Project.


The minister, in his perceived but illusory flamboyance, even brandished a newspaper publication that screamed a prediction or — if we are to be ecclesiastical — prophesy that Bingu would not see the light of 2014.

Coincidentally or, if we are to think like Nankhumwa, by machinations, Bingu happened to fall on Thursday, August 5 2012 which was indeed before 2014 as The Eye Witness — the paper Nankhumwa carried in his hands — wrote. But before I proceed, I would seriously ask those in the know to school me about who owned The Eye Witness and where whoever reported that lead story got information from.

Again, the whole world knows that when the elder Mutharika suddenly fell that April, he was having meetings with nobody but DPP members. So, if at all what Nankhumwa is saying has a grain of truth, which I seriously doubt, we need to investigate the role of DPP members. If you are familiar with the operations of police, you pretty must know that when someone suspiciously goes missing the cops always pin the last person the missing person was seen with.

My knowledge of medicine is as limited as Nankhumwa’s but at least I know that cardiac arrest is not like some of these ailments that hav e long-term signs and symptoms to a layman like me. In the very year or a year before Bingu succumbed to cardiac arrest, former Bolton Wanderers player Fabrice Muamba had a close shave with death when he collapsed after a cardiac arrest. Marc Vivien Foe of Cameroun wasn’t so lucky and died from cardiac arrest on the pitch while playing at the Confederations Cup in 2003.

Now, maybe Nankhumwa is better placed to tell us that the doctor’s confirmation of Bingu giving up his ghost due to cardiac arrest was just a cover up which he — that is Nankhumwa — is ready to bust.

In case Nankhumwa does not know or has forgotten what man-made death is, let me remind him a little by example. Robert Chasowa’s gruesome murder in the summer of 2011 is what is called man-made death. When people invade a college, stalk, hound and catch a student, smash and squeeze the life out of him and then, the following day, the police come unabashedly brandishing fake suicide notes in order to protect a murderous government that is what is called man-made death.

I am made to think that Nankhumwa was trying to wow the crowd or trying to gain some political mileage by soiling other people’s reputation. He has made a silly mistake.

Look here, Bingu wa Mutharika — on which the DPP asininely tries to build their sympathy on — was not, to me, someone who should be hero-worshipped in life or on his tomb. Lately, I must confess, I have grown to believe that Bingu was at times misunderstood but, like it or not, you cannot hate those who held parties and popped champagnes at the announcement of his death.

Call me the devil’s reincarnate but I will not coat my thoughts in lumps of sugar to appear holy; the truth must be served with all its bitterness. Imagine the long fuel queues, the economic malaise, the terror and those things we went through before April 5, 2012. Wasn’t it timely that someone had to be plucked from us for our fetters that kept us in political and economic servitude to fall?

All I am saying is, I understand Peter’s frequent mourning and confession of his demised brother being his hero by virtue of the blood bond which we can never sever, but for some worked up minister to think he will put a halo on a dead dictator’s head is simply out of order.

By the way, so Nankhumwa, by saying that Bingu just dropped dead is somehow confessing that some dimwits tried to fly a dead body to South Africa in a moment of legendary madness?

Earlier, that is last week, I had an ephemeral moment of bliss thinking that we are in a mellow season of calmness only to be reminded by Nankhumwa that some people like him still want to exercise their right to buffoonery.

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