Women, be wary of these prophets!


Why is it that it is mostly women who are associated with crazy things done by modern-day prophets? We are talking of such funny prophet stuff like being sprayed with doom or other similar things – in the name of Jesus!

This is the talk of our crew today. This is why we have gathered here at one of our new talk havens – Baghdad Pub, Mwanza – just to discuss this issue.

The convener of the day is ‘Atsogoleri’ Rob M, who has bull-dozed his way to monopolise a number of tasks, including chairing, just because the bulk of the Crew were his passengers on our way from Blantyre to this border district.


Of course, during our planning session, held as we shared Kanyenya at Zalewa, we resorted to tackle an issue that does not hinge on alcohol. Thanks to the wisdom of Lackson, we got this subject, which we termed ‘Of Women And False Prophets’.

He starts by narrating how the media [or is it social media?] has reported that a certain prophet in the gold haven that is South Africa has been banned from using ‘Doom’ to exhort evil spirits from people. This ‘man of God’ made people believe that that chemical, or whatever he called it in the name of the Holy One, could help save sinners and take them to paradise.

“You know what,” says ‘Atsogoleri’, “this is a pertinent topic. Realistically, it is becoming too much of these so-called ‘prophets’, taking advantage of either ignorance or kupepela kwa anthu, just because people are desperate for either salvation [of course, the main aim is prosperity], then they get subjected to all sorts of funny things.”


Atsogoleri, simunama, zinazi zanyanya [you are very right ‘Atsogoleri’, some people go to the extreme! Just imagine these so-called ‘Holly Water, Holy Soap, and all sorts of Holy useless things.

One of these days, people will be sold ‘Holy under-wear’ or boxers,” says Joe, attracting laughter even from people who are not part of the Crew.

Happison, who has for long missed the Crew’s sessions, asks to talk uninterrupted. Everyone is surprised that he has acted in the manner, bearing in mind that the rules of the Crew’s talk do not give room for dominance of speech and talk time.

“I do not understand why some of these so called ‘Prophets’, Apostles, have a palate for ministering mainly to women. They check around and find women that have problems in their homes— marital problems, among others— and minister only to such lot? They bring in scaring verses, intimidating them to only listen to their [prophets’] wisdom? Why not try men? Why not go and preach in market places or schools? It is because women are easily deceived or hoodwinked into believing in any ‘sweet-talk’? Why do the women easily fall for the trap to spend nights and nights on top of hills and mountains in the company of such questionable characters? Zovuta kwabasi!” Exclaimed Happison.

Ndiye mwalankhulatu atsogoleri [now, that is an uncensored speech]!” says ‘Atsogoleri’ Rob M, who is quick to add that it is not all prophets and apostles that are in it for money.

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