Look beyond the smile: Let us look out for each other

By Madalo Haji:

That jovial person who laughs at everything, who is seen everywhere, mingling with people, suddenly stops it all and locks himself away in his own world. No explanation. No warning. What has happened?

When people are going through difficulties, most choose to fight those battles alone. Only rarely do they talk about what they are enduring.

There are people out there who are lonely, stressed and, worse still, depressed. But do we know when our friends are going through such situations? Do we even notice it in ourselves?

In most cases, we may recognise our own loneliness and stress, but it often takes another person to notice that we are depressed. And noticing depression in a friend is not easy either, because we tend to assume that life is normal and never follow up.

The coming of cellphones has made this worse. People have stopped visiting one another, and even siblings no longer call on each other as they used to. Texting and following one another on social media have become the new normal. We see someone post a joke on social media and assume they are fine.

They are not.

Many people mask their pain behind a courageous smile, making it difficult for anyone to work out what is really going on in their minds.

We are also seeing more cases of suicide and we cannot afford to treat this as somebody else’s problem. Suicide does not happen in a vacuum. People face different pressures and triggers, including financial difficulties, loans and debt, losses, relationship problems, unemployment, family challenges and, increasingly, pressures associated with betting and gambling.

But while these challenges can be overwhelming, people need to know that they do not have to face them alone.

This is where prevention comes in.

Suicide prevention must begin before the act; before a person reaches the point of believing that ending their life is the only way out. We need to create an environment where people feel safe enough to seek help when they first begin struggling.

We should encourage people to go to the relevant authorities and professionals when they need help. Someone struggling with debt should be able to seek financial advice. Someone facing relationship problems should be able to seek counselling. Someone battling emotional distress should be encouraged to speak to a mental health professional.

Seeking help should not be seen as a sign that someone has failed. It is a sign that they recognise they need support.

We also need to stop pretending that mental health is something we should not talk about.

How often do we ask someone, “How are you?”

And how often do we stop there?

Sometimes, “I’m fine” is not the whole truth.

Instead of simply asking, “How are you?”, let us learn to probe a little more. Ask, “But are you really okay?” Give the person an opportunity to talk. More importantly, give them the assurance that you are willing to listen without judging them.

When depression goes unnoticed, the person living with it may conclude that nobody cares. By the time others do try to help, they may already be pushing everyone away. We each need to recognise when things are deteriorating and when we have reached the point where we must let others in.

Even though the signs are easy to miss, some are there to be seen: People abandoning the things they used to love, withdrawing into isolation, refusing to talk to anyone, not even a spouse or a sibling. Some may turn to drugs and alcohol, which can trigger suicidal thoughts.

At times, people may begin voicing these thoughts, asking others whether it would be all right to end their lives, or posting about how unfair life is and how the world would be better off without them.

That is the moment when everyone around them should step in.

Yet it is disheartening to see that many people, instead of offering help, laugh. Others mock the person. Some even go as far as sarcastically suggesting “quicker” ways to end their life.

The person is left feeling hopeless, convinced that nobody cares about how they feel. And some of them eventually go through with it.

Then, the very people who were full of sarcasm suddenly become sympathetic:

“Oh, but he did mention it!”

Come on. Can anyone joke about something as serious as suicide? Can we afford to take it lightly?

When we notice that someone’s behaviour has suddenly changed, or that they are expressing suicidal thoughts, the right response is to reach out and offer help and not to be the first to rebuke them.

We can show support by finding the people closest to them, getting in touch and letting them know that their sibling or friend appears to be struggling. Facebook is full of people we know, but only a few of them are genuinely close friends.

If the person is within your reach, offer a listening ear and an open heart. Hear them out with unconditional positive regard. Do not rush to lecture them, dismiss their feelings or tell them to “just be strong”. Sometimes, what a struggling person needs first is someone who will simply listen.

Offer the necessary support and guidance, then point them towards someone they can talk to.

It may be a trusted sibling or friend, sheikh, pastor. You can also refer them for professional help at a local health centre, a Victim Support Unit at a nearby police station or to a professional counsellor.

But prevention cannot rest on individuals alone. We also need stronger commitment to mental health at institutional and national level. Policies on mental health must not remain documents on paper. They must be accompanied by genuine commitment, resources and accessible services so that people can seek help before they reach a crisis point.

We need to make mental health conversations normal. We need to make seeking help normal. And we need to make caring for one another normal.

In doing so, we may save lives and become advocates for others who are going through the same thing.

As the saying goes, a problem shared is a problem halved.

Let us be our brother’s keeper. Let us look out for each other.

As we mark World Suicide Prevention Day on 10 September, let us remember that prevention begins long before a person attempts to take their own life. It begins with noticing. It begins with listening. It begins with asking the second question when the first answer is, “I’m fine”.

Let us encourage everyone who feels lonely, sad, stressed or depressed to seek help by talking to someone they trust, someone they can be sure will not pass their troubles on to others as the fear of exposure is what holds many people back.

Let us create a society where people can speak about their struggles without shame, ridicule or fear of being judged.

Let us speak up.

Let us ask again.

“Are you really okay?”

We may yet reach someone who has already had the thought and help them choose to stay.