Jack of all trades

For a change, Black Missionaries lead vocalist Anjiru Fumulani did not have to be on his feet to lead his troops in song.

Seated, and apparently at ease—armed only with the microphone and no background sound of band equipment—he went straight to business.

Wait a minute! The business in question is not music; far from it.

The business in question is actually football commentating. Yes, there is a new football commentator in town, namely Anjiru.

It all started with Zodiak Broadcasting Station former sports commentator-now-legislator Mike Bango calling on him to tread on unfamiliar territory that is football commentary.

The day was Saturday, August 3 2024, the setting was Kumanda Football Ground in Kumanda Village, Traditional Authority Kuntaja, in Blantyre.

The weather? Favourable.

Indeed, it [the weather] was in line with what the Department of Climate Change and Meteorological Services said on Saturday, when it provided the forecast for the day in question [Sunday].

“[It will be] mostly sunny and warm to hot weather conditions,” the department said in its statement.

On the day, the sun rose at 06:02am in Blantyre, with sun-set recorded at 05:37pm.

To cap it all, Blantyre residents enjoyed daylight length of 11 hours, 35 minutes, creating perfect conditions for the match between Chikuli Young Eagles, who wore blue and white jerseys, and Kumanda All Stars, clad in yellow jerseys.

Among the spectators were, of all people, Malawi Senior National Football Team former coach Meck Mwase, who is the current coach for TNM Super League side Mighty Mukuru Wanderers, and former Wanderers and FCB Nyasa Big Bullets striker Chiukepo Msowoya, who hanged his boots earlier this year.

When the Malawi Congress Party parliamentarian for Kasungu North Constituency Bango took over the microphone from commentators who were jokingly saying “you are hearing us from Lunzu Community Radio on 96.1 megahertz”, heavy expectations were in the air.

“Hahahahaha! Here is the great Mike Bango. We will hear his live commentary right here at Kumanda Football Ground,” beamed Jonathan Kamba, who claimed to be a 43-year-old football fanatic from Kumanda Trading Centre, a stone throw from the match venue.

However, Bango had other ideas.

“Okay,” he said as he took over the microphone, “Just a minute. Let me just memorise some two to three names,” he chuckled.

“So these guys [football commentators] memorise names and other stuff. I thought they do not need to do some homework,” wondered Kumanda Trading Centre small scale business lady Eliza Patson.

With a five-year-old child cradled on her back, she was one of the many women who patronised the match.

She did not just watch a highly competitive match that ended with penalties, with Chikuli Young Eagles emerging as the victors; she also grasped lessons about football commentary and the comprehensive research that goes with it.

Bango eventually commented on the match, albeit for five minutes, 3 seconds

“Tsopano wautenga mpira nambala faifi wa Chikuli, kudzapita nawo kutsogolo— ndikudzaulanda a Kumanda, nambala seveni [Chikuli are now in possession of the ball, jersey number five with the ball, trudging forward— dispossessed by Kumanda. The one wearing jersey number seven is in possession of the ball]…,” Bango said.

“By the way, it is not easy, from the outside, to play music instruments. That is how we, who are not versed in how to play such equipment, think. Maybe musicians think that being a football commentator is easy. Over to you [musician] Anthony ‘Mr Cool’ Makondetsa. Tell us what is happening on the pitch….”

At which point Makondetsa, him of ‘Muyuda’ fame, rose to his feet, effectively rising to the occasion, and became the de facto football commentator of the day.

“Kudzawutenga nambala leveni, ameneyu ndi wa Chikuli, kuyenda nawo. Amutchetcha! Free kick ya Chikuli [Here now comes a Chikuli player, holding on to the ball. Oh! Oh! He is on the ground. They tripped him. The referee says ‘it’s a free-kick for Chikuli],” Makondetsa said.

He said this and that before Bango grabbed the microphone from him.

“It is the turn of Peter Amidu!”

And Peter Amidu the bass guitarist remained glued to his seat.

“Okay, it is the turn of [keyboardist] Chizondi Fumulani,” Bango said.

Chizondi chuckled. It was akin to a bolt from the blue.

Then, he faced the challenge head on.

“Mpira uli pakati pa bwalo, akupatsirana a Kumanda. Chako, changa. Chako, changa. Kudzalanditsa. Ndi nambala chani kodi? Koma mpira tsopano ndi wa Chikuli. Akupita nawo. Kudzangotulutsa nambala folo [The ball is in the centre circle now, with Kumanda enjoying possession. The players are exchanging passes effortlessly. From nowhere, a Chikuli player dispossesses the Kumanda player. Ah, the ball goes out for a throw in. Chikuli’s number four just put the ball out of play. For no apparent reason, he put it out of play],” Chizondi, holding the microphone tightly, a smile plastered on his face, said.

When the microphone went back into Bango’s hands, he had no time to waste but call on Anjiru to be the commentator.

Anjiru, ever the daring one, did not disappoint.

Just that he did not labour with players’ names.

“Chikuli, in blue and white, are now in possession of the ball. They are in the centre circle, their players dribbling past the yellow wall of Kumanda.

“The side in yellow, Kumanda that is, is now in possession of the goal. Their striker comes face to face with the goalkeeper; one on one. Oh, he shoots over the bar. It was a good chance for the side in yellow…” Anjiru thundered and rumbled, entertaining the crowd.

For the better part, they showed that they can be men of both worlds; the world of music and the world of sports.

Symon and Kendall stand-up comedy

Ma Blacks were not the only ones to surprise patrons with a comfortable performance in unfamiliar territory.

Symon and Kendall, the duo of Symon Kamlaka and Kendall Kamwendo, are known for their musical prowess.

On the day, though, they started with stand-up comedy, in which they delved into real-life issues to leave people in stitches.

They, for instance, picked on each other’s looks and appearance, turning such features into raw materials for laughter.

Symon was the first to throw a jab at Kendall, saying his missing tooth was the telltale sign of a man who, having hidden his age, is betrayed by weak gums that cannot hold teeth anymore.

When patrons laughed aloud, Kendall picked one man whose laughter had exposed his toothless mouth, too, and, while congratulating him for having no teeth, gave him K5,000.

“Congratulations for having no teeth,” he said, sending patrons in stitches.

Kendall then said, addressing patrons.

“This time, someone will go away with an android phone. Who wants to go away with it?”

When a patron raised a hand, he was called to the podium, only to be told thus: “I want someone to charge the phone for me!”

Patrons laughter at the crestfallen patron.

Symon and Kendall also dwelled on other issues, such as how an individual who is moneyed looks.

Needless to say no one could be blamed for thinking aloud that the two were well known comedians in Malawi; far from it, they are musicians.

Of course, Kendall is also a playwright and actor, famous for School Days these days.

As the sun said bye to Kumanda residents at 17: 37pm, no one could be blamed for wishing that the day should have been, say, an hour longer.

It was never to be.